Remember to read Solace Part 1-3 first :)

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There were fingers under my chin and a gentle voice coaxing me out of my reverie. My body shifted to the side to move away from the touch, but the hands came back on my shoulders to draw my attention again. Out of slight annoyance, my eyes decided to finally open and focus on the person interrupting my peaceful sleep. I couldn’t even remember the dream I may or may not have had. For once, there was only silence, and having it cut short almost made me want to knock out the culprit.

“Erin? Can you hear me?”

Huh. Charlie? Why was he here?

“Wha-? What are you doing here?”

He looked like he was out of breath but his eyes showed…relief? “What are you doing up here? And…why were you sleeping on the staircase?”

I frowned slightly before looking around. What was I doing he- oh wait. “Oh um…well, it was getting really hard to breathe in my room so I wanted to catch some fresh air. I guess I fell asleep before I could.”

He looked like he wanted to say something, but he just looked at me for a long moment. Then he sighed, “alright, well now that I have finally found you, how about we catch up?” Then a small smile tugged at his lips and he drew out a hand, “Maybe we can catch the sunrise?”

I couldn’t help but reflect his visage before grabbing onto his hand and pushing myself off the wall. “I can’t remember the last time I’ve seen one.”

He chuckled quietly, “Me neither, my sleep schedule and the sun’s do not match up at all.”

I shook my head smiling before telling him to wait at the door. Then I came back with a brick to hold the door open slightly.

The wind had a light breeze and the sky was still dark. Yet a couple of lights around the rooftop allowed us to navigate to the wall against the edge of the building. We both slid down against it and stayed silent for a few moments. I basked in the silence and quiet, the cool air feathering against my warm skin. It almost made me dizzy again with how calm I suddenly felt.

Then Charlie cleared his throat. “So, what have you been up to lately?”

I shrugged noncommittedly, “You know, the usual university stress and sh*t. But I guess that’s what we pay for right?”

He snorted, “Yeah no kidding.”

Then it was silent again. I could feel the way he wanted to say something and his confliction to do so again. But then his eyes became focused. “I miss him too.”

Suddenly, everything went tense. Stop talking about him. Even when he wasn't in my head, he’s still there. But I just nodded in agreement.

“What happened to him was horrible and shouldn’t have ever happened.” Then he turned his body towards me and continued, “But what happened to him was not your fault.”

Wait. What did he just say? My eyes widened and my head whipped towards him. “Wha-what well yeah, of course it wasn't.”

He shook his head. “No, you’re not hearing me. His death was not your fault.”

He was starting to freak me out. Why was he telling me this? In the next moment, I was standing up, trying to make some distance between the two of us. Then, I forced out a chuckle to loosen the tension. “Okay, wh-why are you doing this whole 'goodwill hunting' talk.”

He stood up as well and smiled tensely. “Is it working?”

“Why are you saying these things?”

He raised his eyebrows looking unimpressed. “You seriously think I drove all the way over here at god knows what hour of the morning to just ‘catch up’?”

His eyes seemed to bore right into my thoughts, but I pushed back. “That still doesn’t answer my question.”

He shook his head but started to pull out his phone, “Fine, I will.” Then he handed me his phone.

I looked down confused. Why was he acting so weird? Then I heard my own voice. Oh wait. Shit. It was the voicemail. I must have been too exhausted back then to even process the repercussions of just saying my feelings aloud. How would I even explain this to him? I should just lie and say it was a prank. It will most likely backfire on me though.

I could only grip the phone tighter in confliction. “It was just…a mistake. Don’t take these kinds of things so seriously.”

He only looked at me with suspicious eyes. Then, he scoffed. “Well, first of all, you are a horrible liar.” Crossing his arms, he continued. “Because two, I have eyes. Anyone who does can see that something is wrong. And three, I’m one of the few people in your life who knows how you’ve been acting since that day.”

It took every ounce of me to keep a stoic expression. But I didn’t back down. “Do you know how crazy you sound right now? Stop making this into an interrogation. Also, don’t act like you know what I’m going through because you don’t.“

He didn’t speak for a long minute, only staring off to the side. Then he spoke quietly, “I saw the calendar,” before leaning his back on the barrier around the building’s edges. “I was looking for you and the door was opened, and I got worried that something happened. I saw it scattered in a mess of glass.”

I just listened, not knowing what I could say to him. But even more, I knew that if I started yelling, I would start crying. And I'm just really f*cking tired of crying.

He sighed heavily as he ran a hand down his face. “I guess it didn’t work out after all, huh? You told me it was helping you feel better. That each day you felt yourself move on a little, you would cross off the date. But I think that you were lying to both of us when you said that it was getting better.” Then he shook his head, “Did you know that every single day was crossed off for all those months? No one moves on that easily, especially when they were like family.”

I couldn’t find the right words anymore. So I just leaned on the railing next to him and stayed silent. For serveral beats, no one spoke nor moved. I realized that I was holding in a breath when he slowly turned his gaze towards me. A part of myself wanted to challenge his stare but decided, in the end, to just look away.

Then he spoke softly, “I don’t have the right to say that I know what you’ve been going through. I wasn’t there. I didn’t have to watch my best friend die before my eyes. No one expects you to move on like this. No one expects you to be okay. But I do believe that you wanted to say those words for a reason. And deep deep down, you were tired of acting like everything was okay."

My chest suddenly felt heavy but instead of the usual feeling of shame, I felt something warm and comforting bloom inside. It became harder and harder to not break down in front of him. To show him that something was indeed wrong. But to actually say it aloud, that was too terrifying. I had never admitted to someone else how I felt about Grayson’s death. They had all said that I was innocent, just another victim of a senseless shooting. But I was nothing but a bystander. There were so many things that I could have done to prevent him from being shot. No one knew about that though. What would Charlie think of me when he finally realizes that I was not innocent at all?

I could only whisper, afraid that any louder, he would hear my voice tremble. “You should go.”

“I will. But only if you tell me what’s been bothering you.”

Frustrated, I finally turned to him and glared, “Look. I’m sorry about making you worry. The message was just a mistake. I don’t even know why I said it! But please just stop, okay? Can you do that?”

It took him a couple of seconds to find the right words. “No…I can’t. Because I know that day had scarred you in a way that cannot be easily healed. And I just...don’t want you to be alone,” he said before sighing. “At first, I thought that giving you space was important because you needed time to process and mourn. But then when I actually saw you time and time again, you always looked so…sad. However, whenever I actually talked to you, you were always smiling.” Then he shook his head. “I couldn’t understand why you pretending to be okay. But I know that whatever it is, it is hurting you. And as long as you’re hurting, I can’t just walk away. I just...I won't.”

Go on. Tell him. You will feel better when you do. That’s what a part of myself was telling my mind. But…at what cost? If I tell him, I might lose him forever but if I don’t, then I will only be hurting him. Either way, I am a burden that he can’t let go of. And even if he doesn’t end up hating me, I would hate myself for sharing my troubles. The dilemma felt physically crushing, forcing my body to slide down to the ground. My head felt heavy with the internal battle and I started to rub the temples of my head to soothe it. “You can’t do anything for me.”

“Well, I’ve been told that I’m a pretty good listener,” he said before taking a seat against the barrier as well.

I felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. A couple of minutes must have flown by before I gave him his final warning. “You might decide to not be my friend after I tell you.”

But he only smiled softly at me, “That’s never going to happen.”

I just stared back for a moment, searching his face for any signs of a lie. When I couldn’t find any, I suddenly felt my anxiety crawl and decided to take a deep breath. This was actually happening. This wasn't just some bad dream that I would wake up from later. This was real.

Then, for the first time, I let myself go.

“I hate being reminded about that night. I hate when people bring it up. I turn off the tv whenever they report anything about it. And I hate it because...they always tell me that I was a victim. That my hands were tied and that…I couldn’t have done anything." Then my hand was pressing against my temple, trying to massage a throbbing ache. "It should make me feel better."

"...but it doesn’t. Because a part of myself just doesn’t believe it,” I breathed out a shaky breath before continuing, “Did you know that I was the one who wanted to stay longer? He was worried that I would not make it to my morning class but I said that I just wanted to have a good night."

I let go of the hand holding my forehead and started clenching my fist. "When I saw the gunmen coming towards him, I just—he was just too far. I should hav—no I could have screamed louder. But it just...wasn’t enough.”

“Sometimes, I hate myself for bringing him there in the first place.” Then I felt myself spiraling as my fists tightened more, “I never told anyone this before, but a little after that day, I went to the police station to identify one of the shooters. His shooter. And I was just—I wanted to know why. Why he had to take his life? But the f*cker just said he did it for fame. Then...he told me that Grayson was dead the moment he walked in and nothing could have saved him.”

I couldn't help but ask, “Doesn’t that mean if I hadn’t brought him, that he would still be alive?”

Slowly, I exhaled a couple of deep breaths. “God…it hurts,” I whimpered barely above a whisper. “The weight of it all can just feels so…heavy.” Somehow, the more I spoke, the anxiety and fear began to bleed away, leaving me almost light-headed.

“And this may sound crazy, but I often feel like he’s close by.” Then I chuckled, “I can hear him calling out my name, just like he did on that day. He always sounds…so scared you know, a-and I can hear him, but he always disappears before I can go to him.” I felt like I was in a world of flashbacks, barely noticing the other person. Just watching the memories go by as fresh tears slid down my face. But then I blinked out of my reverie and wiped the tears away. Yet I can’t help but continuing in a broken voice, “I would never reach him in time.”

I heard Charlie begin to move and I was suddenly scared that he was going to leave me. That he had finally heard enough and didn't want anything to do with me anymore. I didn’t even allow my eyes to follow him, too scared to find out. But then two arms wrapped around my shoulders and pull me slightly against their chest. It felt warm and soothing, making the next words easier to say.

But he interceded quietly, “It’s okay, you don’t have to force yourself. You don’t need to tell me all at once.” I only shook my head, “I-I need to say this. If you stop me now, I might not be able to get it out of me again.”

He only nodded and stayed silent again.

Then I continued slowly, “I wish I didn’t believe this, but I think deep down, I really believe that I killed him. There is this…voice in my head that keeps telling me that my actions left blood on my hands and that I should have taken his place. And some days, I do wish that I could have.” Then the memory of his trademark smile flickered, and I couldn’t stop my lip from quivering. My body instinctively leaned closer to my friend for comfort. “He was such a good person. Do you um… do you remember that Alan Watts quote used to describe him at his funeral?”

I felt him nod and I just knew that he was smiling too in reminiscence. “It’s a faint memory but I can still remember the power of them. How did it go again?”

My nostalgic smile reflected his as I tilted my head to gaze at the indigo sky. “ ‘We know that from time to time, there arise among human beings, people who seem to exude love as naturally as the sun gives out heat’, Grayson was one of those few. Even though he is gone now, his love still burns brightly in our hearts. And as long as we remember him, as long as we keep him alive in our heart, it will never extinguish.”

He gave my shoulder a comforting squeeze as he whispered, “It was beautiful. I couldn’t have said it any better.”

I nodded along numbly as shame settled into my mind, “That’s what makes all of this so much harder. I keep trying to understand why it had to be him? What did he do to deserve all of this? Why did he have to be senselessly shot down like a wild animal? Why…why wasn’t it me instead?”

It felt surreal to say all of this aloud. Yet somehow, it also felt liberating. I guess the metaphor of sharing your burdens really did lift some off your shoulders. “For such a long time, I've been trying to put up this facade that I was okay. But the guilt is like a parasite in my soul. You know, I can’t sleep without reliving a nightmare of him. But in these dreams…he doesn’t just die. S-sometimes, he would appear in my dreams and tell me that I'm a monster. T-that it was all my f-fault.”

He only pulled me into a tighter embrace as a sob racked through my body. “The nightmares. All of these thoughts. That relentless voice…it just gets loud sometimes.” I could feel my limbs begin to fall lifelessly forward as I let out a deep and shaky sigh, “It just…it…it becomes too much. All of this…I just…I want it to go away. I want...I want the pain to go away.” Then I started to cry.

No, I started to grieve.

I felt myself being adjusted so that he could hug me fully and then I began to sob openly into his shoulder. It went on for minutes, maybe even more, but I didn’t care and just let myself mourn. For Grayson, and the loss of a beautiful human being. For myself, who finally acknowledged all of the lost months that had been swept away by the burden of feeling responsible.

My heart started to ache, and I instinctively clenched my fist around the fabric above it. “It hurts,” It was barely croaked out in a wrecked and broken whisper. He only held on tighter and rubbed my back gently, “I know.”

“I-I don't know what to d-do anymore. I j-just want t-this to go away. Please make i-it go a-away.” Only when the last words were spoken did I realize that it was a stupid and selfish request. I shouldn’t have even let it leave my mouth. But before I had the time to worry over how he’d react, I was blindsided by his reply, “We'll get through this. I promise.”

But then I recovered and responded, “Don’t. Please don’t do that. Don’t start...” Don't make promises you can't keep.

But he understood what I was trying to say and just looked at me seriously, “I don’t.”

I didn't think I blinked for a good thirty seconds because he started to chuckle. It broke me out of my shock, and I could only nod hesitantly. Maybe I was being selfish for making him share my burden, but the exhaustion was telling me a different answer. Perhaps asking for help and actually wanting it would make a difference.

His eyes only turned bright, realizing that I actually trusted him enough. His lips widened into a big smile before nodding as well in confirmation. “Good,” then he pulled me to my feet, "you up to watch the sunrise?”

My eyes followed his and stared in wonder at the beautiful colors. Then, both of us leaned forward on the railing against the edge of the building and watched. Neither of us spoke for a good minute, the lights were just too entrancing.

But then he broke the silence.

“I’m glad that you told me what was going on. I know it mustn’t have been easy for you.” Then he tore his eyes from the dawn and looked at me with a soft smile, “But I need to tell you something important and you have to take this with you.”

I nodded and watched as he turned to lean against his side so that he could look at me directly. “You are not responsible for Grayson’s death,” he paused, making sure that his words fully processed in my mind. “You are not responsible because in this life we go through, we are rarely in the driver’s seat. Some things are just out of our control. You are not omniscient. You are not omnipotent. And Erin, that’s okay.”

It looked like he was going to cry, his eyes glistening, but he continued, “Of course we all wish that it wasn't him. But…it was. And no matter how much you wish it could have been different, how you wish you could have done things differently, in the end, you just couldn’t have known."

"You shouldn’t have to bear the burden of thinking that you are always in control.” Then he looked away, but I could still easily read the emotions on his face. It was filled with sadness and compassion. “I know that it can be scary thinking that we aren't always in control...but that’s just the way it is. The things that happen to us, to others, we aren’t always responsible. It's weird to think about, but it's sometimes easier to blame ourselves in order to stay in control of a situation rather than accept that we are often left powerless in them. But being powerless, when we accept that we sometimes are, it doesn’t make us weak. It just shows us that we're human. It reminds us that we're human.”

I didn’t move for a long minute. Afraid that even releasing a breath would prevent my brain from processing every word. It somehow didn’t even cross my mind, or perhaps my overwhelming guilt had pushed away the logical argument. That I simply couldn’t have done anything at all. No pondering about the what-ifs or the “how I should have known”. It just...felt too easy.

Then, Charlie shook me out of my reverie. “No, stop that. Don’t think like that. This isn’t a loophole. This isn’t an easy way out.”

I tried to nod along slowly but it still felt like a hard pill to swallow.

“Also, one more thing. I now understand why you were afraid to tell me. And I don’t hate you, okay? All of this pain you were feeling, you didn’t want to tell me because you thought it was a selfish thing to do, right? You thought that you’d end up hurting me as well?”

My breathing suddenly hitched. But just as quickly, I felt myself sucking in a breath and this time, the air felt a lot clearer. It felt lighter. It made me want to inhale and exhale quickly, shakingly. It was evident that he already knew the answer before asking, so I just turned away and returned my gaze to the glowing lights. They were so far, yet at the same time, they seemed to reach far enough to embrace me. To tell me that everything was going to be alright.

“It’s a new day,” I whispered to myself before speaking louder, “You know I had always preferred the sunset. It was a comforting reminder that I…that I finally made it to the end of the day. But the sunrise…," I shook my head, "it just reminded me that there was another day to endure.”

Then I smiled, “I can't feel that right now.”

I shook my head again, “I thought that if I just gave it time, I would be able to feel less…,” I said before exhaling. “But I guess in the end, deep down, I just really didn’t want to be alone in my thoughts. For a while, my mind manifested Grayson to be that person but it only encouraged me to stay in that nightmare.”

Charlie continued to stare deeply into the sunrise. His mind remained in deep thought for a little while before saying, “It will get better Erin. There will be days where you won’t believe that, and that’s okay, we will get through this together. But when it does happen…you should come up here and watch this. See that a brand-new day is about to begin. Take a deep breath. Reset. Then start again.”

I didn’t say much in response, but he knew I understood.

Then, in a relaxed silence, we both watched the rest of the sunrise. And when it was finally over, we spent the rest of the morning hours coming up with a solution. One where I would start learning how to finally let go of this burden for control. One where I would start learning how to live normally again. One that felt easier to discuss now that everything was out in the open.

And all the while, I felt myself exhaling deeply. Almost as if my mind was slowly, but surely, fighting away from the guilt, the anger, the blame.

The pain still remained though. I could still feel the bruises aching in my heart.

But despite it all, I still did it.

Maybe because I was just so tired of feeling this kind of way.

Or maybe, for once, I actually started to believe that there was a brighter side to all this pain.

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Confession session for Erin has finally happened! Will it get better from here on out??

Comment down below and let me know how you felt about this part :)